Pulling it together...

...Just kidding, I'm not doing that. Not today anyway. The above picture reflects how my insides feel.

I find grief so interesting. Not the sadness and pain, but the way people process it so differently. For some, they don't allow the emotions they're feeling to be seen by others, even their loved ones. For others, they experience pain and sadness quickly and then seem to not have those feelings again. There are others, like me, who let it consume them for the immediate time and slowly work out of it. I want to talk about it, the feelings, the loved one whom I've lost, A LOT. I want to cry, I want to be angry that the circumstances cannot be changed, I want the space to do these things.

When my soul-cat Cookie passed away in 2020, my husband and I took 3 days off from work and into the weekend to grieve. I cried most of the day, we comforted each other constantly. I remember that we would have these moments when we would look at each other and the tears would start, as if we were remembering the same moment, or same thing about her. I have no idea how long it was before I didn't cry at least once every day. I still talk about Cookie pretty regularly, I still talk to her too. When something makes me think of her, I'll mention it, or when a memory on Facebook or my phone pops up with her sweet little face, I miss her and I love her, and I am so grateful I had the time I did with her.

I am following the same pattern after losing my friend Brian earlier this week. I've cried a lot, I've talked to him, I've talked about him, as you know, I've written about him too. I was glad that it worked out that more work calls this week were off-camera than on this week as the waves of sadness don't really care what else you're doing. I have found comfort in writing these blogs, in texting and chatting on the phone with other Toastmasters members, and in reading old messages.

Thank you so much for reading these sad but necessary blogs this week. Monday begins Earth Week and leads into launch of Season 5 of Did You Bring the Hummus Podcast on Earth Day. Brian told me often how proud he was of me with the podcast, that I honored this way of using my voice, and how awesome it was that Toastmasters got me started.

Hug someone you love, every chance you get.